My brother and
his wife skyped us last night.
This deserves a special mention because much as we love each other, my
manic schedule with three munchkins, coupled with his crazy workload and the
time difference (he is a professor in the US), means we don’t get to talk very
often. As we gathered around the
computer to chat, I noticed Paige had ‘checked out’ of the ‘reunion’ and was
playing on her handheld game. I
called her on it. She
stopped. Only to start fiddling
with Matt’s iPad a few moments later.
Later, after the
call ended, I called her to my room and told her how disappointed I was
with her lack of interest and
explained the importance of showing respect for someone who had made the time
to call her by making an effort to be ‘present’. I then made Paige ‘take ownership’ by having her call my
brother and his wife to apologise.
The final step was to then also talk to her sisters, discussing the
importance of “doing the right thing” and getting priorities in order. At 13, 10 and nearly-9 years old, I
feel the girls are old enough to learn this lesson.
I wrote the
above two paragraphs a while ago and then stopped – writer’s block. I simply did not know how to proceed
without sounding nauseatingly holier-than-thou. Plus I was at a loss as to which direction to take the piece.
Fast forward a
year or so, Faith is now 14.5, Tia
nearly 12 and Paige 10. I was
having one of ‘those days’ the other day, which led me to question how a
simple act of charity could turn into something that was making me feel so
aggravated. And then I stopped and
wondered if it was a lesson I had to learn and how to write about it. When I saw this abandoned piece, I had my “AHA!” moment.
“Doing the right
thing” is not always easy, can require immense effort and quite often not
appreciated. I am definitely guilty of feeling affronted when a gesture
extended has either been disregarded or simply taken for granted. I guess it drives me so crazy because
it feels like bad manners and I have a ‘thing’ for manners. But then, I realise that getting all
riled up in what essentially amounts to ‘the little picture’ is for naught,
leading me to wonder at my reaction.
After all, getting irritated because a fellow driver didn’t ‘say’ “thank
you” when I pulled back in order to let them join my lane is just a ‘touch’
irrational, is it not?
ANYWAY, a
situation occurred a couple of days ago where long-story-short, it felt like
someone was trying to ‘take the mickey’ (Australian slang for: “take advantage
of”) of what began as a sincere act of charity on our part. Without going into specifics, the
person involved expected us to extend the goodwill inspite of a 12-month time
limitation. I say “expected”
because of the way the “request”…no, actually it was more like a “directive”..
arrived in my Inbox. There was no
humility. No attempt for any
emotional connection. Just a cold
and very direct expectation. Not
sure what to do, I asked a couple of close friends for their opinion. They both felt it was a brazen request which
should therefore be denied. But I
wasn’t sure if we were being fair: I subscribe to the belief that each and
everyone of us are working through some sort of personal challenge – seen or unseen. So maybe she was going
through ‘stuff’ and didn’t mean to come across so presumptuous. Still undecided, I decided to give her
a chance by asking her to call me for a conversation about it. I thought maybe if I had some inkling
to her personality, I would know whether she ‘deserved’ the consideration. And then I stopped. I was being egotistical. Who am I to decide whether someone
‘deserved’ sympathy and kindness – regardless of their perceived demeanor?
The call never
came. But I sent off an email
agreeing to her request nonetheless. Did a
friendly email of thanks follow?
No. Just a meager
note. No warm notes of
gratitude. Just an expectation
that came across as: “and so you should have / I deserved this
consideration”. But I didn’t
expect any less.
Someone once
told me: “if you expect everyone to live by your standards and your codes, you
will spend much of your life being disappointed and frustrated.” Obviously I still have much to learn
and need to grasp that “doing the right thing” may not necessarily bring me that warm fuzzy feeling – but
it is only a problem if I let it be one.
Manners or not.
***
end ***
