Prefer to read it in another language?

Saturday, 8 February 2014

58. Doing the 'right' thing..

My brother and his wife skyped us last night.  This deserves a special mention because much as we love each other, my manic schedule with three munchkins, coupled with his crazy workload and the time difference (he is a professor in the US), means we don’t get to talk very often.  As we gathered around the computer to chat, I noticed Paige had ‘checked out’ of the ‘reunion’ and was playing on her handheld game.  I called her on it.  She stopped.  Only to start fiddling with Matt’s iPad a few moments later. 

Later, after the call ended, I called her to my room and told her how disappointed I was with  her lack of interest and explained the importance of showing respect for someone who had made the time to call her by making an effort to be ‘present’.   I then made Paige ‘take ownership’ by having her call my brother and his wife to apologise.  The final step was to then also talk to her sisters, discussing the importance of “doing the right thing” and getting priorities in order.  At 13, 10 and nearly-9 years old, I feel the girls are old enough to learn this lesson.

I wrote the above two paragraphs a while ago and then stopped – writer’s block.  I simply did not know how to proceed without sounding nauseatingly holier-than-thou.  Plus I was at a loss as to which direction to take the piece. 

Fast forward a year or so,  Faith is now 14.5, Tia nearly 12 and Paige 10.  I was having one of ‘those days’ the other day, which led me to question how a simple act of charity could turn into something that was making me feel so aggravated.  And then I stopped and wondered if it was a lesson I had to learn and how to write about it.  When I saw this abandoned piece,  I had my “AHA!” moment.

“Doing the right thing” is not always easy, can require immense effort and quite often not appreciated. I am definitely guilty of feeling affronted when a gesture extended has either been disregarded or simply taken for granted.  I guess it drives me so crazy because it feels like bad manners and I have a ‘thing’ for manners.  But then, I realise that getting all riled up in what essentially amounts to ‘the little picture’ is for naught, leading me to wonder at my reaction.  After all, getting irritated because a fellow driver didn’t ‘say’ “thank you” when I pulled back in order to let them join my lane is just a ‘touch’ irrational, is it not?

ANYWAY, a situation occurred a couple of days ago where long-story-short, it felt like someone was trying to ‘take the mickey’ (Australian slang for: “take advantage of”) of what began as a sincere act of charity on our part.  Without going into specifics, the person involved expected us to extend the goodwill inspite of a 12-month time limitation.  I say “expected” because of the way the “request”…no, actually it was more like a “directive”.. arrived in my Inbox.  There was no humility.  No attempt for any emotional connection.  Just a cold and very direct expectation.  Not sure what to do, I asked a couple of close friends for their opinion.  They both felt it was a brazen request which should therefore be denied.  But I wasn’t sure if we were being fair: I subscribe to the belief that each and everyone of us are working through some sort of personal challenge – seen or unseen.  So maybe she was going through ‘stuff’ and didn’t mean to come across so presumptuous.  Still undecided, I decided to give her a chance by asking her to call me for a conversation about it.  I thought maybe if I had some inkling to her personality, I would know whether she ‘deserved’ the consideration.  And then I stopped.  I was being egotistical.  Who am I to decide whether someone ‘deserved’ sympathy and kindness – regardless of their perceived demeanor?

The call never came.  But I sent off an email agreeing to her request nonetheless.  Did a friendly email of thanks follow?  No.  Just a meager note.  No warm notes of gratitude.  Just an expectation that came across as: “and so you should have / I deserved this consideration”.  But I didn’t expect any less. 

Someone once told me: “if you expect everyone to live by your standards and your codes, you will spend much of your life being disappointed and frustrated.”  Obviously I still have much to learn and need to grasp that “doing the right thing”  may not necessarily bring me that warm fuzzy feeling – but it is only a problem if I let it be one.  Manners or not.

*** end ***


  1. The thing is ... not everyone was brought up the same way and, as you note, almost everyone has some kind of burden to bear, whether you're aware of it or not. So ... your reaction to any situation is always colored by your upbringing, your morals, your experience, your heart and, probably, your soul. And, of course, there is not another person on this Earth who has had those same experiences, so your reaction will be unique to you. Just as other people's attitudes, comments and reactions are unique to them. Empathy is a very difficult thing to cultivate, not least because it's impossible to have walked in someone else's shoes. Best always to be true to what you know is you, your values, your morals, your ideas on life, love, food, whatever. But don't let a differing opinion upset you. xoxo

    1. and you are SO SO right! Sometimes I get so caught up in 'stuff' I forget to scratch beyond the surface.. But I am learning -- everyday.. xx

  2. Hi Michelle,
    I remember that! We weren't upset by it. Hopefully we will be able to see you all in person soon!
    Manners...hum...I also think that people from different regions and countries find different things appropriate or not. Although, I think that there are some generals that fit pretty much everywhere.