Friday, 9 December 2016
66. Finding my Ommmm...
So.. here we are.. nearly at the end of 2016 and when I look back at the amount, or rather the lack of writing I managed, it looks pretty dismal. Why? I guess I spent much of the year letting go of people and things that I thought were good for me but actually not.
Let's start with people first. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel sick whenever you think of spending time with someone? What about that sense you get (much alike your spidey senses) about someone when you first meet them that makes you keep a distance? Well, I spent much of this year fighting against it, arguing that its 'all in my mind" or "I'm being too sensitive". The best one I came up with (which also got thrown back at me at my lowest) was "maybe everything I am feeling is because I am going through menopause"! Ha! Sometimes, we are our most unkindest critic. If I was a better friend to myself, I would have said just one thing: LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION AND YOUR GUT.
You know that someone in your life you always have to walk on eggshells around - for fear of offending him/her? Or that person who constantly makes jokes at your expense? What about the one who is unkind under the guise of being ‘honest’? Or, wait.. I’ve got my two favorites! Ready? That person who makes loud proclamations about being your biggest cheerleader only to constantly let you down when you need them the most AND that person who makes not so subtle jabs about everything! Let them go! Firstly, who has the time to walk around eggshells? It is exhausting! After nearly 30 years, I finally said “I AM DONE!” nearly 12 months ago. And it has been liberating. And those so-called friends who spent the last 10 years or so being fair-weather buddies? I recently called time on those too. You know why? It gets boring when you are the better friend in the friendship and you get to the point when it gets tiring constantly second guessing your instincts. Yup. I am done with those ‘friendships’ and am going to start being a better friend to myself!
So the other half of my letting go. The need to do absolutely everything for everyone. The inability to say “no”. At one point, I thought the magic 'bullet' to my troubles was to get not one but two jobs. I was tired all the time. And snappy. And stressed. And frustrated when I felt others were not putting in the same 'saintly' but ridiculous hours. Oh, and I didn’t stand up for myself when people thought it was okay to use verbiage and tone on me that was demeaning. I think I thought someone else who saw what was happening would stand up for me. But no. And so, I realized I was that someone who had to do it. So I decided to do something about the impasse. I started by clearing my diary and getting rid of commitments that I had said “yes” to only because I didn’t know how to say “no”. I quit one of my jobs and tailored the other more to what would allow me to still be creative. I wrote a strong email stating that I would no longer be ‘receptive’ to disparaging conversations. And I have started distancing myself from acrimonious company. And I am forcing myself to be honest with myself and those around me by saying “no” instead of bowing to peer pressure. And so continues the journey to find my Ommmmmmmm….
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