62. Self-worth. Self-love

Self-worth.  Self-love.  Interchangeable in the plethora of self-help books on bookshelves and ‘self-improvement’ airwaves everywhere you look.  Some people, for example Matt and my best friend Miriam,  have it in bucket loads – one of the many reasons I tell them that when I ‘grow up’, I want to be just like them.  And then they remind me that I am the older one!  

I don’t normally give too much thought about how my self-love barometer is doing.  But maybe I should.  As a mother to three daughters, should I not be mindful of leading by example?  But how authentic can I be as I am painfully aware that my ‘reflection’ varies from day-to-day and more often than not, infected from my warped childhood.  And yet, from the confessions I hear around me, perhaps it is human nature to be better at giving up wonderfully sage advice on self-love than it is to practice for ourselves.

Enough about me.  I feel the need to talk about the next generation.  Right now, I have one navigating the challenges of being the only new girl in a small close-knit community on the playground, another in the throes of negotiating the hallways of middle school (complete with the tightrope dance of invisible lines and boundaries!) and the last who is on the brink of womanhood and all that entails for the heart.  Throw into the mix: having to find their ‘place’ in yet another new country AND the rollercoaster ride of PUBERTY with all its accompanying bells and whistles!  Fun.

But how do I shine a reflection on these three most precious beings?  Of how amazing their father and I think they are?  That their kindness, compassion and ability to make anyone feel welcome makes us so proud.  Of how our chest swell when we witness their collective positive attitude when faced with so many new environments and the requisite accompanying challenges – all part and parcel that comes from the privilege of being owners of well-travelled passports. 

To one child, how to impart that if someone “doesn’t want to be friends”, it is not a reflection on them -- nor does it mean they are any less amazing; but rather because it is impossible to be friends with every single person you meet.  But that it also does not mean they should withdraw into a shell to protect themselves from being hurt -- after all, life is about taking chances.  And then how to guide them so they make smart choices and stay away from the toxicity and drama that seem to follow teenage girls?  I sometimes lie awake wondering how to teach them to navigate the terrain when someone is friendly one minute but frosty the next – and whether to confess that it happens in adulthood too!  To share that I have learned that sometimes the animosity you face is not really about you but instead stems from something else going on somewhere else -- that people will act out and that it is TOTALLY okay to walk away from things/people/situations that make you sick to the stomach from anxiety.  And then finally, the importance of being true to themselves and valuing their own worth instead of yearning after someone who is too wrapped-up in themselves to appreciate and cherish them. After all, if  a certain ‘Mr Darcy’ needs to be enlightened on how amazing they are, then surely the 'un-suitor' is not worthy of someone as funny, smart, kind and beautiful as they are! 

And then I realise this is all just part and parcel of ‘growing up’.  For them and for me.  I have to trust in the process.  To remember that if they have even half the self-possession that their father has, it will already be more than what most people can dream of – and luckily for them, that it is already in their DNA.  Add to the fact that their childhood has been filled with so many wonderful memories and love from us, as well as from our friends who form another layer of family, should fill them with the confidence and self-love they will need as they go off on their own adventures in this journey called “life”.  And should all else fails, I hope an imprint of all our conversations will cling to their memories and then magically reappear should ever they forget how wonderful they are.  

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34. Allergic to competition

Olympics fever has people all over the world glued to their sets, cheering countries and athletes on.  As for me, the only real interest I’ve shown these past so-many-days was for the Opening Ceremony.  Now THAT brought a lump to my throat.  Why the general lack of enthusiasm?  For starters, the time difference, PLUS I am rubbish at sedentary viewing (too fidgety!).  And, if I was honest, whilst I enjoy the celebration of sportsmanship and the personal stories, I am not one for competition where for every winner, stands a whole posse of defeated souls.   Yes, I’ve been found out:  I don’t enjoy competition and the angst and agro that comes with it.  Its an 'allergy'.

I grew up in a very competitive family and when I was a child, life seemed to revolve around discussions about who got the best grade, the most As, was the most loved, etcetera.  It didn’t help that my aeronautical engineer father placed a ridiculously high value on As for science and mathematical subjects and was hugely contemptuous of everything else.  He regarded history, literature and English as disciplines introduced for the morons of society.  Much to his angst, owing to the slant of his viewpoint, I belonged to that particular group.  As such, my killer grades for what I excelled in were routinely dismissed with a “any idiot can get an A” whilst my paltry marks for maths (especially!) invited humiliation and sometimes a beating.  When my literature teacher wrote of my “tenacity” in a report card, my father interpreted the remark that I had been stubborn – so I got beaten up for that too.  I should mention I was confused at the time of the beating, wondering what I had done to invite such a ‘terrible report’ (as per my dad’s reason for the walloping) as I could have sworn I was one of Mrs Grainger’s better students seeing I routinely topped my class.  It was only years later when the memory re-surfaced that I realized my father did not understand the real meaning of ‘tenacity’.  Ah, but I digress.  

As I was saying, unfortunately for me, next to one brother gifted in Maths (now a shipbroker), another a natural with language and the written word (now a professor), plus the two extra brothers who went on to become an anesthetist and a lawyer respectively, I was officially the dummy of the group – by HIS reckoning.  But that’s okay with me --  just as long as I didn’t have to participate in stupid mind games and soul destroying politics.  And so, with such a 'stellar' introduction to the mechanics of ‘competition’, it is little wonder I am not a fan of rivalry, no matter how friendly.

But of course, it is inevitable to go through life without crossing paths with people who are competitive about EVERYTHING!  From racing to the traffic lights (even if they are red), to being competitive about jobs and earning power.  Unfortunately, much as it pains me to typecast, women (as a whole), can be the biggest culprits.  Sorry girls, but you know there is truth in what I am saying.  

It starts early, with competition revving up around the 10-year-old mark: an unspoken contest to be the smartest, the prettiest, the most sporty, the most popular.  Developing into a race for the best boyfriend, record-breaking college results, the better job, the ultimate wardrobe, etcetera, etcetera.  And then, the ultimate whammy: motherhood!  Who’s baby was the best sleeper or the best eater.  I’ve even had a woman demand why her daughter did not have the same curly hair as the waves my three daughters sport (and NO I do not colour or perm my children's hair!)!  Bizarre!  And then, when Faith was applying for schools after sitting her 11+ exams (in London) came the “Oh!  Which schools are you applying for?  Well!  Six schools have hinted at a promised-spot for MY daughter!  We just have to decide which one will provide the best contacts for her later on.”  Seriously?  BLEH!   

Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely competitive – it is in my DNA.  I am stubbornly determined and rarely give up.  But the only person I compete against is myself, constantly setting targets and goals, always trying to improve on my last efforts.  I don’t, however, feel the need to be consumed by anything or have the desire to possess a killer instinct; nor do I have a ‘win at all cost’ mentality.  For me, my mantra revolves around balance, being true to myself and having integrity. 

My girls will have make their own decisions about how they feel about competition and while I encourage them to give things their 100 percent and tell them nothing is impossible; I also talk to them about the importance of enjoying what they do, balance, fair play and being gracious – regardless of whether they end up victorious or not.

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