48. Giving Thanks

 

Thanksgiving came and went without much fanfare in our household last month.  Not because we are not thankful for everything we have, but more because as Australians, its not a ‘holiday’ we naturally celebrate.  Which is not to say we are not grateful; after all, they don’t call Australia the ‘lucky country’ for nothing.

So, Matt and I just got back from a running event in Cambodia.  To be honest, beyond preparing for my run, I had given little thought to precious else. Additionally, I am ashamed to say, my vague knowledge of Cambodia and her besieged history left me ill-prepared for the reality that clawed at my senses – the poverty and the remnants of a civil war that literally hacked apart what was once a thriving empire, and left the country a broken shell.  And yet… the people we came across were so gracious, earnest, and for the most part, happy with their lot. 

But, the image of the woman who followed our little boat as we toured the Tonle Sap Lake, with the child who lay asleep under the blazing sun on her makeshift boat is forever burned in my memory.  As is the one of the woman with the snake-bearing children.  Both were petitioning for money.  And I could look neither in the eye as I followed our guide’s instructions to deny their requests.  “For their own good,” he counseled.  But my stomach turned inside of me as I put myself in each woman’s place and considered their reality and that of their family.  Of the life that awaited these families who lived in the water village and the limited options they had available to them.  And I was awash with guilt at my charmed existence.

But before I drown everyone with my melancholic aria, I should point out the sorrow was mine, not theirs, and quite possibly overly melodramatic on my part.   After all, the guilt was mine to bear alone and who was I to poison someone else’s reality with my doom and gloom.  In fact, from what I have seen here in Singapore, Cambodia’s future could very much be an ascending star as a multitude of schools and associations here work together and separately to raise funds to build schools and houses for the Khmer nation.  Even Faith, my eldest at 13, will be heading there next year to participate in building sturdy weather-proof houses for the Cambodians.  And so, I give thanks for the time to come and the promise of hope for this land.

Getting back to giving thanks, I often talk to the girls about how incredibly lucky we are, beyond the superficial and the materialistic, that we have each other, our health and to be able to enjoy the reality that is our’s.  Of how it is through pure fortuity we were born unto a country not drowning in warfare and the resulting opportunities that actuality alone presents us with.  And I could go on.  But instead, I will record my top 10 in my “thanksgiving list”:

1.    For the health and safety of my children and husband

2.    For the gifts that are my children and my husband in my life

3.    For the opportunities we have been blessed with

4.    For the kindness shown to us in our lives

5.    For the friendships that make our everyday richer

6.    For the ability to go running to clear my head

7.    For the life I have

8.    For the ability to see good even when the view is a little murky

9.    For being able to remember there is so much to be grateful for

10. For the freedom to make my own choices 

I am grateful.

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47. Parenting styles

 

We just came back from a very restful weekend in Bali but the following day saw me crashing back to ‘reality’ with a giant thump!  Ahhh…..that mountain-load of ‘enticing’ laundry, beckoning at the end of each holiday…but it is what it is. So, by noon, I had powered through two loads of washing, taken Buddy to the groomers, done the food shop and gone on my 10-km run.  As I struggled through the door with the groceries, Matt looked up from his Maths session with Tia and said, “Oh, the groomers called and I think Buddy is ready to be picked up.”   Off I trudged again, then made lunch for the hungry mob, drove Matt to work, came home, more laundry and then prepared dinner.  I think you get the picture..

At some point during dinner, Tia turned to me and cheekily asked if I had done my piano practise.  Unfortunately for her, we weren’t on the same ‘comedy channel’ at that moment as I recounted every-single-task I had ‘slaved’ through that day, asked if anyone accomplished anything beyond lounging around reading or watching TV, and then dared her to re-ask the question.  Of course, in hindsight, that was a little harsh.  After all, I only had to ask and the girls would have pitched in.  But no, I wanted them to help out because they thought of it and not because I asked them to.  I know, I know.  I am beginning to sound like a crazy woman. 

I came across an interview a few weeks ago whereby multi-talented Australian actor-singer-dancer-extraordinaire-all-round-decent-and-wonderful-human-being-and-husband Hugh Jackman, aka Wolfman from the X-men franchise, shared his thoughts on parenting.  What?  Did I just sound like I have a celebrity crush?  Awww, you caught me out.  But I am only human!  Anyhow, Hugh (Haha!  First name basis!  If only!) talked about how he “yells at his kids, they drive him to despair, he worries that his deficiencies as a parent mean he is slowly but surely stuffing them up”.  He also talked about and how children can push your buttons and make you feel such extreme emotions, and the anger or fire they can sometimes incite.  I was like, “Oh my goodness!  That is EXACTLY how I feel!”  So its just as well I’m not married to Hugh Jackman because it just wouldn’t work out with both of us stressing about the same things.  Sorry Hugh.

My beautiful husband Matt, on the other hand, has such a wonderful approach to parenthood.  When I read out an excerpt from that same article about how so-and-so’s mom said, “Relax, you worry too much.  You feed them, you love them, that’s it”, it was his turn to have his that-is-EXACTLY-how-I-feel moment. I sometimes feel envious of Matt and those of my friends who have this wonderful parenting style whereby they are so attuned to seeing the big picture and able to block out the ‘other stuff’ that, in actuality, is just ‘noise’ ...

But I cannot because at least every other day (if not everyday), there are ‘boxes’ that need to be ticked, exploits that need undertaking and ‘fires’ that need putting out.  AND, if we were BOTH laissez-faire and make-it-up-as-we-go-along, would our household still work the way it works (on a good day)?  Or would those ‘little things’ fall through the cracks because non-verbal clues were missed?  Would the girls learn to think beyond themselves, realise the importance of dreaming, or master the tools needed to pick themselves up and try again with a little fine-tuning?  Am I beginning to sound a little hysterical again? Sorry.  Okay, deep breath and stop panicking over all the ‘what-would-happens’.

At the end of the day, I don’t purport to be ‘superwoman’ and do not even try to pretend to have all the answers.  Honest with my girls about my shortcomings, I am not afraid ask for help and try to encourage the girls to go on fact-finding missions when appropriate. And with three such different individuals whose needs demand that my parenting style is constantly refined and modified as per child and situation; sometimes my appeals for us to work together as a team so the day is smoother works, and other times, not so well.  But it’s the life I have chosen and I am at peace with it.  All we can do is try our best to prepare them to stand confidently and successfully on their own two feet by giving them love, inspiring courage and fostering integrity.

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