47. Parenting styles

 

We just came back from a very restful weekend in Bali but the following day saw me crashing back to ‘reality’ with a giant thump!  Ahhh…..that mountain-load of ‘enticing’ laundry, beckoning at the end of each holiday…but it is what it is. So, by noon, I had powered through two loads of washing, taken Buddy to the groomers, done the food shop and gone on my 10-km run.  As I struggled through the door with the groceries, Matt looked up from his Maths session with Tia and said, “Oh, the groomers called and I think Buddy is ready to be picked up.”   Off I trudged again, then made lunch for the hungry mob, drove Matt to work, came home, more laundry and then prepared dinner.  I think you get the picture..

At some point during dinner, Tia turned to me and cheekily asked if I had done my piano practise.  Unfortunately for her, we weren’t on the same ‘comedy channel’ at that moment as I recounted every-single-task I had ‘slaved’ through that day, asked if anyone accomplished anything beyond lounging around reading or watching TV, and then dared her to re-ask the question.  Of course, in hindsight, that was a little harsh.  After all, I only had to ask and the girls would have pitched in.  But no, I wanted them to help out because they thought of it and not because I asked them to.  I know, I know.  I am beginning to sound like a crazy woman. 

I came across an interview a few weeks ago whereby multi-talented Australian actor-singer-dancer-extraordinaire-all-round-decent-and-wonderful-human-being-and-husband Hugh Jackman, aka Wolfman from the X-men franchise, shared his thoughts on parenting.  What?  Did I just sound like I have a celebrity crush?  Awww, you caught me out.  But I am only human!  Anyhow, Hugh (Haha!  First name basis!  If only!) talked about how he “yells at his kids, they drive him to despair, he worries that his deficiencies as a parent mean he is slowly but surely stuffing them up”.  He also talked about and how children can push your buttons and make you feel such extreme emotions, and the anger or fire they can sometimes incite.  I was like, “Oh my goodness!  That is EXACTLY how I feel!”  So its just as well I’m not married to Hugh Jackman because it just wouldn’t work out with both of us stressing about the same things.  Sorry Hugh.

My beautiful husband Matt, on the other hand, has such a wonderful approach to parenthood.  When I read out an excerpt from that same article about how so-and-so’s mom said, “Relax, you worry too much.  You feed them, you love them, that’s it”, it was his turn to have his that-is-EXACTLY-how-I-feel moment. I sometimes feel envious of Matt and those of my friends who have this wonderful parenting style whereby they are so attuned to seeing the big picture and able to block out the ‘other stuff’ that, in actuality, is just ‘noise’ ...

But I cannot because at least every other day (if not everyday), there are ‘boxes’ that need to be ticked, exploits that need undertaking and ‘fires’ that need putting out.  AND, if we were BOTH laissez-faire and make-it-up-as-we-go-along, would our household still work the way it works (on a good day)?  Or would those ‘little things’ fall through the cracks because non-verbal clues were missed?  Would the girls learn to think beyond themselves, realise the importance of dreaming, or master the tools needed to pick themselves up and try again with a little fine-tuning?  Am I beginning to sound a little hysterical again? Sorry.  Okay, deep breath and stop panicking over all the ‘what-would-happens’.

At the end of the day, I don’t purport to be ‘superwoman’ and do not even try to pretend to have all the answers.  Honest with my girls about my shortcomings, I am not afraid ask for help and try to encourage the girls to go on fact-finding missions when appropriate. And with three such different individuals whose needs demand that my parenting style is constantly refined and modified as per child and situation; sometimes my appeals for us to work together as a team so the day is smoother works, and other times, not so well.  But it’s the life I have chosen and I am at peace with it.  All we can do is try our best to prepare them to stand confidently and successfully on their own two feet by giving them love, inspiring courage and fostering integrity.

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37. Not so good at being led

 

So a few weeks ago, I mentioned that Matt and I had starting training for a run in Angkor Wat.   It was going relatively well -- to begin with.  And then as Matt’s runs started getting longer as he worked towards his half-marathon, I started opting out, preferring to concentrate on trying to improve my time for the 10km. Perhaps concerned we were not spending enough time together, Matt decided to come along to one of my ‘lone’ runs, saying he had checked it out on Google Maps and was going to lead me on a different route (but of the same distance) to ‘challenge’ me.  Okay.  I like challenges now and again.  So off we went. 

Up, down and around we went along a route different from my usual path to the Botanic Gardens.  It was relatively uneventful.  That is, until we grappled with the varying routes within the Gardens and found ourselves having to double back a few times.  As it felt like we were constantly getting a little lost, I pointedly asked my ‘fearless leader’ if he knew where we were going.  Matt’s overly confident “of course” was met with my exasperated, “You are so stubborn! You NEVER admit it when you are lost!”  Needless to say, he was not happy with me.  We continued the ‘meander’ (an ‘adventure’ in his mind!) in silence. Finally, I spotted something familiar and it looked like we were back on track.  “YAY!” cried my now-weary feet.  That’s when Matt signaled we should veer off the bloody beaten trail -- AGAIN!  By now, fed-up and tired, I could barely hold back and serendipitously chanced-upon a sign pointing home (but was contrary to the direction he wanted us to head).  When I brought it to his attention, he snapped, “Just go your own way!”;  to which I mumbled a cuss and ran off. 

A similar thing happened when Faith was a new-born.  As first-time parents, we were pretty clueless and poor Faith was not easy to ‘settle’.  One particular time, my mother-in-law said I was probably just holding the baby wrong, insinuating it was my fault.  Relieved for some expert advice, I gladly handed Faith over to her, eager to learn the ‘correct way’.  She wasn’t able to calm Faith.  I think I mumbled something along the lines of, “If you are not an expert, then don’t pretend to be one” and walked into my room, slammed the door, and had a cry.   Harsh, I know.

And here lies the problem:  To begin with, I am RUBBISH at being led.  I like to chart my own course.  Simple as that.  If you insist on taking over, telling me you have the ‘knowledge’ and I choose to let you lead me, but it transpires that actually, it was just an overstatement on your part, I find it very hard to deal with.  As such, I try to not put myself in a situation where I have to rely on someone, preferring to be the person relied upon.  And yes, it can it a problem.

Last night, at the end of a curriculum talk, I found myself leaving Faith’s new school with an unexpected passenger.  As we left the hall, and I led us towards the direction of where I thought my car was, my new traveling partner stopped me and pointed out where the garage was.  My explanation of where I had ACTUALLY parked my car was met with a skeptical “really?” and as we continued along, she kept loudly suggesting taking varying routes to my car and continually referred to the ‘OTHER’ car park.  I should mention this woman is not only as NEW to the school as I was, but has only just arrived in Singapore, didn’t drive, had NEVER navigated through ANY of the three garages the school housed AND was NOT with me when I parked my car in the first place.  But somehow, she believed she knew better in this instance!  Luckily I found my car minutes later, but with a now-pounding headache, could not wait to offload my ‘expert’ rider.  As it turned out, she was an ‘expert’ on quite a wide variety of things – which I learnt ALL about, throughout the very long 10-minute drive.  Sigh. Surely NOBODY can be the expert on EVERYTHING!

So I will end my rant by accepting that while I readily confess to ignorance and often admit liability so that expectations are managed, not everybody feels that way.  As such, I will simply have to work harder on my trust issues, and learn to let others ‘captain’ my path now and again without expecting perfection, as well as becoming more relaxed about just going with the flow.  Oh, and stay away from  people who are ‘experts’ on everything – if only for my own sanity!

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